| What did you find that would leave you walking by |
|
|
| 07:02pm 02/02/2006 |
| |
I feel tired. I feel fake, I feel like I spend entirely too much time proving to people what I am not Instead of convincing them of what I am...I feel wrong, I feel right, I feel like I'm wasting time thinking and not enough time doing, I feel like I'm waiting for something, I don't know what I'm waiting for, I feel uninspired,
Did you ever feel like the things you used to know have become obsolete....everything you used to do, the places you went, the things you said, the people you said them to... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Don't panic...don't panic..there simply is no need. |
|
|
| 02:51pm 12/12/2005 |
| |
No one updates anymore....this used to be so easy....I guess I just have nothing to say....I wish i didn't look back at so many things and hate them more now then when they happened....
Imagine being stuck in one place...you dig a hole....you climb back out....and jump right back in..and dig it deeper..just to climb back out and jump back in and dig it deeper....now you're weak and so far in you can hardly climb back out..and when you're out and try to walk away you...jump back in....only now its deeper...so deep you can't get out...so deep.....and you're so weak that you cant get out......i think thats wat its like being an addict...to anything really......you're slowly killing yourself...and not going anwhere...and eventually you can't get out....
But then there was always a choice....always a choice to jump back in.......yea...i guess its more of an impulse...but in the beginning its easy....and you jump back in....that can be anything...a relationship..gambleing...........cut if off when it starts to hurt........guess thats easy....i can see in relationships its hard cause there's emotion and exchanging of words..in gambleing its hard because there's always the hope of winning..you could always win...as well as you can lose........but in substances........they aren't willing you back...they don't tell you they love you, give u a hope of victory.........
I have no idea..why i wrote that..I'm forced to talk/think about this shit...way more than i should...or maybe I should......its fucked up....sometimes i feel so fucked up and so wrong..and so everything clinics tell me I am...and then I look around and think or maybe just hope...everyone is just as fucked up....and I'm just caught....... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| I remember when the days were long and the nights when the living rooms was on the lawn |
|
|
| 10:35pm 02/12/2005 |
| |
Why is it so hard to sit and think.. Just sit and think. No sound, no pictures...just you...we go through so many things and conversations with people all day, they tell us things, we tell them things, we go home put on music...movies and focus on the song, on the show, on the pictures....nothing to do with us. When a lot of people go to sleep they even evade their personal hell and put music on....is it so hard to lie alone....in blackened silence and think......everyone says they think about everything..all the time, they think......but why can't we sit in silence....a lot of us....we can't sit without something, some sound..typically music.....It is so hard to sit and think..just sit and think of us....its easier to talk to someone about someone else...we don't talk to someone about ourselves....pointing out the things we don't like about us.........but we do it with other people about other people.....i think for one day everyone should remind themselves of what they've done...what they've failed to do...and what they've fucked up...what they like...what they hate....not about everyone else...but about themselves....i dont know..it just seems so ironic..that we can talk at lengths about the way someone else is..but not even acknowledge in our silent blackened hell in bed the way we are.....Let your fuck ups go....erase them from your build...and keep the parts that are beautiful.....
Things can be simple..just let them be simple....let things come..let them go, let them in, let them happen..they are going to anyway...especially in people...they don't want your permission to do the things they do...to hurt or to please....things can be simple if you let them be simple...remember back when it was good and bad and we had a conscience and it was black and white. Black meant you spent five minutes alone to think about what you did and white gave the satisfying pleasure of being able to stay with your friends....Things aren't as hard as they seem, they will pass, and life's not so serious....I seem to be the kind of person that is plagued by the past...Its a heavy, wearing feeling...weighing me down....I'm never alone..its always on my back..my demons..on my shoulders..reminding me of who I was..and of who I am......what I've done..what I've failed to do....what I've said..and who I've hurt...I need to right my wrongs...as best I can....Everyone needs to shed a skin...shed a lifestyle...shed a habbit...shed a sin...they've done to people...not forget it..but it store it away...and give yourself a relief....Just admit..and own it....it was your fault..you've done what you could do to right your wrongs...you've apologized to those you've hurt..you've confessed...or at least admitted remorse....and then you let it go....you don't have to be held down by the past........you can be limited in the future by the past sometimes..but it is not something you need to always wear to let everyone know you've fucked up.....You're allowed to let it go...just let it go....it feels a lot better.....if you do....Just never forget....
Just 10 Things I want to do before I die:
Shoot a gun
Save a life
Become a psychologist
Get a car
Get a 1350 on my S.A.Ts
See Something Corporate Live
Learn to play drums
Live in a city
Scale a mountain
Eat Fugu
I dont really know why....I just like the idea of writing this down.....Ehh.
I don't need to know right now..all I know is I believe...the very thing that got us here..and now I can't leave. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 09:28am 21/11/2005 |
| |
Bitches..this is the longgggestt..worst class haddon heights has to offer...Law and You....bitches just ask stupid questions about stupid shit...seriously...."Why is a life sentence twenty five years...."
"NO LOOK AT THE MOTHER FUCKING SHEET STUPID FUCK IT SAYS AT LEAST THIRTY YEARS AT FUCKING LEAST..."
Seriously I'm convinced if Jason actually focused on something that wasn't his brain overcoming his body, and drugs..he might have a lot to offer...
Lou has to stop getting his wisdomteeth out. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 05:41pm 18/11/2005 |
| |
When one lives without fear, one cannot be broken. When one lives with fear one is broken before one begins to live.... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 07:11pm 17/11/2005 |
| |
Thoughts Tuesday:
Time's a lot slower when you have nothing to do.
I actually like the movie Titanic.
Reading a book about alcohol and drug withdrawl makes you feel like you're going through alcohol and drug withdrawl...Seriously this book has made me an out of control addict, controlled my addiction and took my through recovery...
I wish I had a better long term memory...I seriously can't remember anything..
The weather has a lot to do with the kind of day we have.
I can't imagine being in an uncontrolled situation....were you ever on top of something...and lost control..and for those five six seconds that you're falling..you feel helpless.....and your stomach turns and your heart beats hard...i fucking hate that...feeling..
I pretty much fucked any remote possibility of me driving till at least christmas--should be longer....the cops kidnapped me. I happened to be drunk.
The Tao is that which has no name and is beyond any sort of name. It says that names are not necessary for that which is real and for that which is eternal. If we are free from desire, we can realize mystery, if we are caught in desire, we only realise manifestations. Mystery and manifestions arise from the same source, which is darkness. Darkness within darkness ist he key to all understanding. If there is beauty, there is uglieness. If there is good, there is bad. Being and nonbeing and difficult and easy and high and low and long and short and before and after need, depend, create and define each other. Those who live with the Tao act without doing and teach without saying. They let things come and tehy let things go and they live without expectations. They do not see beauty or ugliness or good or bad. There just is. Just be. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 12:01pm 14/11/2005 |
| |
Why dont I know what to say. Are some people just built for certain things. Do some people like puzzle pieces match up with certain people and pieces and only fit in to some lives. Are we born to not expand beyond these boundaries, are me not made to mold and form to different shapes and sizes and fit in different spots. Maybe some just try to overdo themselves, exceed their full value and fail. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
honestysanapoge's journal